The Life Off The 'Defining Moments' Timeline

A lot of us look at life from the standpoint of the ‘defining moments’. 

We are babies, then toddlers, then go to grade school, then advanced schooling, then to the workforce, then get married, then have kids, and so on and so forth. 

But we also get worried when we’re not on the same wavelength of that trajectory, especially post-college when things aren’t as clearly tied to certain age brackets in a structured capacity like we’re used to. Your career, marriage, or parenting trajectories come with way less structure than the schooling years brought you when you were under the watch of your own parents.  

So, why do we get stuck here?  

Ironically, more than ever, we are able to have visibility into the lives of so many people who actually are able to "achieve" this timeline. We see people in their mid twenties marrying the person they dated from high school, college, that they got set up with, etc., and then having kids into their low thirties, and so on. It’s all over my social media, and I’m sure it’s all over yours too. 

What we don’t process as closely are the people who are not doing these things. Have you ever seen the selective attention video where the man in a gorilla suit is so distracting that we don’t notice all the other crazy things happening in the background? (Will link here for reference if you haven’t.) Our brains like to latch onto the ‘defining moments’ narrative because it’s where we've been nudged to put our focus, the one we perceive is safe, and the one that confirms our existing beliefs. It’s harder to consider that hundreds of other people on our social media feeds are not on the timeline we’ve been fed our whole lives, because it's harder for our brains to be challenged otherwise. The brain would need to process so much more information to absorb all the other ways people could be living their lives in various ways. That’s a whole lot of ambiguity and possibilities for the brain to try to grasp and understand. And, ultimately, our brains are only trying to keep us safe. 

But I mean… What about the ones who got divorced before thirty? The ones who moved to another city? The ones who are petrified to make the career move they are considering? The ones who are going through the worst heartbreak of their entire lives? The ones who just moved into a studio by themselves and got a dog? The ones who are simply maintaining their stable lives? The ones who deleted their social media so you have no idea what’s going on in their life anyway…? 

So, how do we change our perspective? 

First, is acknowledging that you do not have the full story. The ratio of people you’re seeing who seem “on track” versus not is way off base from what the true reality is. Furthermore, you have zero clue what is going on behind the scenes of anyone’s life, no matter what “track” they are on – and no matter what you see on social media.  

Then, it’s about reflecting back on yourself to assess what is in your control. As an example: Do you want a relationship to get married? How can you optimize your dating life? What would it take for you to show up as the best version of yourself in that scenario? Are you uncomfortable showing up because you don’t like your job and don’t want to talk about it? What is THE thing that you feel held back by right now?  

How is the idea of the life you thought you might have holding you back from the one you are truly living in? 

The truth is: You are not living on a timeline of life that’s seen from the standpoint of ‘defining moments’. Which means, you are not stuck at a standstill on that timeline at all either. You are just not facing the reality that your path forward is elsewhere right now. There’s a part of your path that you haven’t accepted yet, and haven’t considered yet, that needs to happen before you get toward the larger milestones I know you still desire.  

And let me be clear, you may want certain defining moments in your life that you’ve always wanted, and no one is going to take that away from you (including yourself). But, you don’t know the plethora of other thrilling, exciting, and abundant moments that are waiting to be uncovered off the ‘defining moments’ path unless you start looking elsewhere first.  

Life isn’t a straight line like that, no matter how much we perceive that it can be based on other people’s highlight reels. Life is one with a whole lot of plot twists, holes, curveballs, and redirections – some that happen to you, and some that you get to make happen for you, too.